I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
