Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
handjob tips. give me some.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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