Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
