i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
