Just mADE A PArabola og urine
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize