I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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