I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize