Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
