pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
