Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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