she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize