In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
