I'm eating all of the evidence.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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