can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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