that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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