She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
