I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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