i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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