Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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