I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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