i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
