Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
