this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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