This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
