i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
