I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Randomize
