my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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