you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
