That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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