This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
