How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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