on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
