I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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