Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
