he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i out mim tonsoeep
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