11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
