If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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