Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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