The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
