I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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