Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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