The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
