The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
