sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
