The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Mom said you looked used
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
