Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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