He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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