That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
