They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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