I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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