put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
