Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
