I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
