Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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