Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
