Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
