I wish I could teleport
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
