6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
